Andrew Henning-Kolberg
Brother
Thank you all for coming together here today to honor the memory of my brother, Jeff.
My name is Andrew.
To end our gathering today, a few of Jeff’s family and friends are going to say a few words. I’ll get started in a moment here, then Jeff’s sister Emily will speak.
After her, our Aunt Robin will come up, followed by his friends David Hewitt, Jeff Kamperman, and Tom Venable.
I’m going to miss Jeff.
Sometimes our relationship got weird.
There was a weird way of talking, the way we talked together. That I’ve never had with anyone else in my life. The way our words flowed, whether we were quoting shows we loved or just riffing off what each other said. It felt effortless; it felt familiar in a way that’s hard to explain.
When Jeff was scared, I saw a lot of myself in him.
That fear of hurting people.
That wanting to be accepted.
That trying—really trying—to be true to yourself, even when you’re not sure how.
He was also very strongly opinionated, in ways I’m only really learning now.
I wonder if I didn’t see it as much because I’m his big brother.
We talked multiple times a month, mostly through texting, though we have also had long phone calls, especially recently.
The last time I spoke with Jeff was the night of the 19th… or I guess the morning of the 20th.
I had woken up around four in the morning for whatever reason, and he texted me. I was glad to hear from him, because I was struggling with my own frustrations inside my head.
He was struggling with the steps. He had recently found Coda, which uses the 12-step recovery model, but focusing on co-dependency. Quite a while ago, I introduced him to AA because he was feeling lost and needed someone to talk to, and that was what I knew. But alcohol wasn’t really the center of his struggle, so it never quite fit.
He was so excited about finding Coda.
I remember something similar when I finally found something that seemed like it could be an escape from my prison.
It was so interesting talking with him about it. I didn’t know much about it, and I still don’t. He was going to take me to a meeting when I came to visit near the end of December. But I never got to. But the things he sent me made so much sense when I read them in the frame of Jeff. I could tell that he struggled with something that I didn’t fully understand. Perhaps it could have helped more, but we ran out of time.
When Jeff and I spoke on the 19th, he told me he was worried he couldn’t do it, that it was too much. I suggested he not worry about it, because he is still at step 1. His concerns would be addressed, but not til at least steps 4 or 5. Take your time. Take it one step at a time. It’s ok, and you’re not alone.
Jeff was my brother.
It feels so weird being me, with a brother like Jeff. He was searching for his place in the world, and could never quite fit, though he tried, and did the best he could. He had a lot of plans, but the world is big.
Well, you know what they say.
Love you, brother.